Never Enough

There have been so many times in my life where it feels like I am the only one who can just never seem to be enough.

The only one who never played sports because I wasn’t good enough.

The only one who never got asked out on dates.

The only one who laid low in my job and position because I didn’t have a voice.

I’ve always felt like I am always 20 steps behind everybody else and it feels hopeless to try and catch up.

My weight goes up and down.

I can’t seem to find the right “home” church.

And I still haven’t found my mate at 30 years old with few experiences to back me up.

And here I am again. The only one. Still not enough.


At the core of my insecurities, fears and doubts about myself- are the very real and painful experiences of rejection. I still carry shame over my weight and the insults of my youth still ring in my head. Every single crush I have had over the years even into adulthood – not only didn’t like me, but some humiliated me.

Rejection faithfully reminds me there is always someone in better shape and better looking than me, smarter and with more degrees than me; funnier and wittier, more adventurous with more stories to tell than me; always something more.


Rejection has acted as an anchor for my life always deceptively letting me go just a little further, but never letting me get to where I really want to be.


Even in the midst of these perpetual struggles, God has been so gracious, so kind, so good. He has this way to bring clarity and show me what is of him and what is not. I am so grateful for his truth that speaks louder than any other voice. Thank you Jesus.

“The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, for, “Who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 2:15 – 16

I am not subject to human judgements. And I have the mind of Christ. This speaks truth over all the other things that have been spoken to us and taken root – and even – things we think about ourselves.

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5

This is where God trains us to know His voice and that of self and enemy. Meaning, when something destructive enters your mind don’t let it linger. Call it out and send it to the pit of hell!

All ways of thinking about self and others not rooted in the love of Christ cannot be from God. Think about how many times a day we judge our brothers and sisters – especially ourselves?! This is me every day! But there is hope!

If you are one that struggles with fear of rejection and those thoughts rear their ugly head – take hold of them and cast them down!

Take upon yourself what God has to say about you and others. You are loved. You are accepted. You belong with him. He is your community and your fellowship. He is your strong tower and fortress, your shield. Nothing can separate you from his love.

Remember those that have gone before us who were rejected and ridiculed, who felt ashamed and unworthy.

(Sarah) “So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?” Genesis 18:12

(Moses) “Moses answered God, “But why me? What makes you think that I could ever go to Pharaoh and lead the children of Israel out of Egypt?” Exodus 3:11

(David) “Saul replied, “You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a young man, and he has been a warrior from his youth.” 1 Samuel 17:33

(Jesus) “The chief priests and the teachers of the law were standing there, vehemently accusing him. Then Herod and his soldiers ridiculed and mocked him.” Luke 23:10-11

(Paul) “When he came to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples, but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple.” Acts 9:26

You are not your story of rejection, you are a child of God made in his image, prepared for all good works and given authority over all principalities and powers. You have the mind of Christ.

Even as I write this, there are places of the heart that are still so tender, even fresh wounds. But, I carry on writing because in these 30 years of my life – I am not my story of rejection.

I have had heart ache yes, and set-backs yes, and such unrelenting pain it feels I cannot carry on – and yet – there is one who will carry on for me. He will take the insults and shame and leave me with belonging and acceptance.

When I reach for the scraps, he pulls out the chair for my place at the table.

There is one who says I am enough.


To all those who saw me at my worst


I have started writing this specific blog so many times, but it has been the hardest thing to write so far. It has not been hard because I don’t feel sorry, but because I feel so sorry that it seems like no words could ever capture my true and sincere apology. Plus, I am sure I lost the privilege of having any of my words mean anything to you. Please know that is not a reflection of you, but a reflection of who I was at the time. You saw me at my very worst and that wasn’t a nice sight to see. You saw me living outside of my calling and you saw me abusing my calling. You know what it is to feel me going behind your back which probably felt like a personal attack. You heard me tell lies right to your face that you knew were untrue. I wish I wasn’t someone who let you down, but we both know that I did. You saw a side of me that many didn’t know was there. Honestly, I didn’t know I was capable of some of the things I did either. It might not be easy to see, but even I was afraid of who I was becoming. It is a scary thing when you look in the mirror and can’t recognize yourself. It is even scarier when what you do see brings tears to your eyes. When you go from having the reflection of Christ to being someone who did things you never thought you would do.  That side of me was so ugly and UN-true. I know you tried so hard to bring me back to reality. I know now that you just wanted the best for me, but I was so blinded by what I thought was the best for me. I know you had sleepless nights because of me. I know you cried endless tears because of me. I bet our relationship started to feel abusive to you because of all the bad choices I was making.

I am sorry for so many reasons, more than I could probably ever list. The thing that I am most sorry for is my distorted image of Christ. I am sorry to those who witnessed me doing things that no pastor, Christian, or person should be doing. Holding a title and yet holding sin even tighter. I don’t want you to ever for a second think any of that was okay just because I did it. To some of you I should have been setting an example of what is right, but all that I was showing you was wrong. I was living a life that went against everything I once stood for. The worst part is only a few people knew it. I would go places with some of you, places that neither one of us hand any business going to. I even used some of you to make a way for my bad choices to continue. I told you I was going to stop and I didn’t. I told you that it had stopped but in reality, it wasn’t until a little later. If I were you I probably wouldn’t believe anything I ever said again. I would probably choose to put some distance between us. Harboring your own secrets is hard but when you are holding them for a person with a title it is that much harder. I am sorry my choices made you carry secrets. I am sorry that I hurt you, lied to you, and disappointed you. I am sorry I broke your trust and maybe even your spirit. I guess it’s true when they say, “hurt people, hurt people.” I was a hurt person and along the way I hurt you. So why believe anything I ever say again?


I honestly don’t have a perfect answer to that. Like I said, if I were you I may not believe me too. I know that I let you down. At first my motivation to get better was just to have some of you back in my life again. Doing something for other people and not yourself rarely works out. At first, I was just going through the motions, talking to a pastor, talking to a therapist, crying out to God, journaling, surrounding myself with people who love me, and letting go of bad habits. It is weird because I was going through the motions yet a huge part of me was screaming and longing to get better, and I was hoping it would work. As I was going through the motions to move forward, things started to shift in me. I experienced what it was to talk to someone in transparency. I remembered what it felt like to live a life that I am not ashamed of, and a life where I didn’t have to worry about the things I was doing being exposed. I experienced once again what it was like to sit at Jesus’ feet for long periods of times. To be so excited to read my Bible not just to put together a sermon, but so I could hear from God and write it down because God was revealing so much to me and birthing so much in me. I learned what it felt like to connect with my family again, lean on them, and love on them. Again I felt what it was to have a real authentic relationship with Jesus, and to once again live truthfully in my calling and striving to do better for me and for my God.

If I can be honest though, as I started to get better and feel better, I felt a lot of guilt. I felt like if I got better you would resent me. Like if I got better, it would make you angry with me. Sometimes I would wonder if I deserved to get better because of the hurt I caused you- you who saw me at my worse. Some of you might still be praying for me from a distance, and some may have had to forget about me in order to heal. One thing I learned is the only person I have power over is me. I am sorry for hurting you, I truly am. The best thing I can do for me and hopefully for you is to keep getting better. I must keep reminding myself that the things you saw, the things you encountered, and the things that separated us no longer control my life. None of that is the end of my story. I know I can never say never, but I AM NOT GOING BACK! What you saw was dark and painful, and though by God’s grace, it has made me stronger and I will not go back. I now stand on truth and in truth. A good friend once told me, “words are cheap and actions speak” and I know to some of you my words may still be cheap, but I pray that my actions start to speak.

I heard a saying once that said, “Sometimes we get stabbed in the back and sometimes we are the one holding the knife”. I am sorry for all the times I was holding the knife. This blog is a true sincere apology to those who saw me at my worst. Some of you may be able to relate to this letter. Some would add a little more or a little less. I know there might be some people who have never messed up, but that is not my story and chances are it is not your story either. We all make mistakes and some of us who make them have a title before our name. I can’t preach forgiveness and then not ask for it when I need to. To those who saw me at my worse, I ask for your forgiveness. To those who have messed up, I pray that you don’t stay down. There is strength in rising after a fall, there is strength in asking for help, and there is strength in putting actions where your mouth is. There is strength in saying “I am sorry”. I pray if you have to have to have a tough conversation with someone that you do it. If you need to write your own letter to those who saw you at your worse, do it. Some might not know that you are sorry. Some might not be in a place where they realized what you were doing was wrong, so you need to own up to your actions and explain to them and let them know what parts were not right. To some you might need to ask for forgiveness for them and to let yourself be free from your past. Say your apologies, move to action, move forward, and move closer to Jesus.

To those who saw me at my worst, get ready to see me at my best!

Top 5 Things I Learned About Leadership By Pastor Aldo Arguello

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I want to thank Pastor Krystal for the opportunity to be a guest blogger. Krystal and I were able to work together back in 2002 where we were able to build and establish a thriving Bible Study together in High School. Today I am so blessed to see how God continues to use her life to impact this generation!


Today I want to talk to you about LEADERSHIP. You may have found yourself suddenly plunged into a challenging leadership role and you are overcome by shock, fear, and disbelief. I was once in that situation, and now by Gods grace & guidance I am able to share how I was able to rise above the challenges.

 So here are the TOP 5 Things I Learned About Leadership:

  1. Eyes – A Leader has Vision 

Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he. Proverbs 29:18

“A vision is a clear picture of what the leader sees his or her group being or doing.  Great leaders know where they are going and they are able to persuade others to follow.”

“Vision = direction & restraint”

“No vision = frustration & distraction”

  1. Head – A Leader Plans well 

If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church? 1 Timothy 3:5

A leader that has his Life in order, can lead well in God’s house. We must organize so we don’t agonize.

“When we fail to plan, we plan to fail.”

We must be good planers, so we can enjoy the fruit of our labor.

  1. Hands – A Leader Serves others

Jesus Mission statement:

“Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:28

As leader we live to serve others. Our hands should be exhausted from serving others.

Delegation should only to take place when give others the opportunity to fulfill there potential in life.

We as leaders need purse the TOWEL not the TITLE of Leadership. 

  1. Feet – Walk in step w/ God

We should stay in step with Gods plan, so we can lead others in the right direction.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

“Follow me as I follow Christ” – Apostle Paul

“Leadership is modeled. People do what people see”

  1. Heart – A Leader Has a Shepherds heart

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me” John 10

Good Shepherds Do right, then feel good Rather than Feel good, then do right.

The opposite of a shepherd is A Hirelings Mind-Set:

  • Trying to be liked rather than respected
  • Not keeping criticism objective and constructive
  • Not developing accountability and sense of responsibility among team members
  • Treating everyone the same way
  • Failing to keep people informed

You may feel like you can be a Good Leader. The bible is full of ordinary people that did extraordinary works for God.

Gideon (Weak & Poor) – Defeated his enemy’s army as numerous as the sand of the seashore 

Moses (Speech disorder & Angry) – Lead Millions to freedom

Rahab (Prostitute)  – Saved her household & help assist in the fulfillment of Gods promise to Israel

Job (Bankrupt) – Was blessed double

Noah (A drunk) – Saved mankind & the human race.

Peter (Cusser) – Became the Rock of the Church & Successor of Christ

Paul (Murderer) – Started the greatest church planting ministry in the world

Correction without relationship

c 2Have you ever heard the saying, “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care?” The longer I am alive, the more truth I find in that statement.

There is so much value and worth in caring for someone AND in feeling cared for. Because care holds so much worth, it can feel devastating or hurtful when you don’t feel cared for. When a person is messing up or in sin, they are in a very emotional and sensitive state. In those moments more than ever, they need to know that those around them really care about them and want to see healing in their life. When a person is messing up, the last thing they want to happen it to be called out. Calling out can mean so much more than a scolding when it is done in love. Even more so, when it comes from someone they know loves them and has always been there for them, it’s hard, but it can come with a lot of healing down the road. When it comes from someone who was never active in their life or never seemed to care about them before it can be very damaging.

Most of the time when people reach out to you in correction, they have good intentions and mean well. In the moment, they probably do genuinely want the best for you. What they may not see, however, is the fact that they have never reached out before so the common feeling is, “who are you?” Many thoughts come to mind when someone who has never reached out before does:

“You have never taken the time to get to really know me before.”

“You have never reached out to see if I was ok before.”

“You never invited me into your home before and you’ve never even said more than a few sentences to me before”

“You’ve never shared moments of your hardest times in your life but you want me to just open up to you and tell you all my pain and hurts and mistakes??”

It’s hard enough sharing with people we know love us, but when someone who seems to have no interest in us unless we make a mistake or post on Facebook, reaches out- it SUCKS. If you only reach out to someone when they mess up, please don’t expect them to hear you out or let you in. Correction without relationship voids everything you say. No matter how good and valid your intentions are, you are adding to the burden and that is the last thing they need to move forward.

Now, I am not saying that the person who is messing up isn’t at fault. BUT if you have never been there for them before- it’s not going to go well. Correction without relationship can hinder any relationship ever being established. No one likes to be backed-up into a corner or likes to feel attacked, but that is what correction without relationship feels like. It is easy to say “well that’s their own guilt”. Yes. I am sure they do feel guilty, but isn’t that what we are trying not to do? Our job isn’t to add to the guilt-it is to help restore when we have the relationship present to do that. If our motive is not restoration, what are we doing talking to them in the first place?

I have had two big moments in my life where I made wrong choices and was messaged by acquaintances. I know that they both meant well, and I think they genuinely wanted to help and be there for me. In the first circumstance, when the acquaintance reached out to me I wanted to tell her off. She had never been a friend or a role model in my life before, and all of a sudden it felt like she wanted to be. I ended up just ignoring her in the moment and choose not to text her back. I later addressed the situation with her. The second time this type of circumstance occurred, I definitely felt the security even though we were not friends. When I first heard from her, I was very grateful and felt very safe. I felt grateful until the weight of not really knowing her surfaced inside me. She knew something so deep about me, and she didn’t even really know me outside of the present issue. The simple fact that we didn’t have a relationship turned her reaching out into somethings painful and scary for me. It felt like she only reached out to me because I was going through a tough time. The fact that we were not really friends made it hard to trust her or open up to her. Receiving care for someone in a moment of pain is hard when you have never felt care from them before. I know her heart was in the right place but because my heart was so damaged at the moment it was hard for me.

When you are dealing with the guilt, shame, self-regret, and other negative feelings, the last thing you need is correction without relationship. One thing that I have learned is sometimes there is more power in prayer than in conversation. Pray for them, fast for them, and trust that they will come around and hear out the people in their lives. Think about the time you made a mistake and how you would feel if that was public knowledge to someone you did not have a relationship with. The same grace you needed is the same grace they need. Please don’t give up on them or put a time limit to them coming around. Trust that God will have the final say and he will be the one to bring them back. In the meantime, let’s build relationships with those around us. Let’s not wait until someone messes up to get to know them. Make time and build relationships. You never know how it will bless your life and someone else’s.

Overcoming Guilt and Shame


I remember when I was a child, there was a little saying that went “Shame, shame I know your name”. This was said as someone pointed and wiped their finger at you for doing something wrong. Even as a child being shamed and felling guilty was a hard feeling to deal with. Just imagine the child version of yourself being told “shame, shame I know you name.” Imagine putting your head down and fighting back the tears or holding back the anger to lash back. Well, the shame and guilt you felt as a child is nothing compared to the shame and guilt you may have experienced as an adult. Shame and guilt are two vigorous and dark feelings. Shame and guilt can be the most haunting of all human emotions. Flashbacks of wrong choices you have made can be just as haunting as the flashbacks about decisions others have made that have also greatly affected your life. The non-stop overthinking of different scenarios……

“If I only didn’t go..”

“If I just would have stayed home..”

“If I went with my gut feeling to say no in the first place then….”

“If I just would have stopped..”

“Why did I make so many excuses?”

“What was I thinking?”

“How do I fix it?”

“Why didn’t I put a stop to it?”

These are just a few things people say to themselves when they are being tortured with guilt and shame.

Knowing the difference between right and wrong, knowing what pleases God and saddens His heart. Knowing the feeling of guarding your testimony to seeing a big gash take place that you fully had part putting there comes with so much guilt and so much shame. Knowing no matter how bad you want a due over you never really get to erase what happened. Even forgiveness itself doesn’t change what you did and that is a really hard reality to except for yourself. Many of my blogs have dealt with people not forgiving you when you make a mistake because you have a title in front of your name. But what happens when it’s you who can’t forgive yourself? When you constantly tell yourself, “you should have known better” or “How could you be so stupid?”

Sometimes the guilt and shame others put on us are nothing compared to the guilt and shame we put on ourselves. Maybe the people around you don’t even know how much guilt and shame you are already walking around with. If they could look at you through your eyes, they would see how low your head hangs when you walk. If only they could see the constant inner battle of wanting to throw in the towel and just give up. If these people noticed, they would see the sleepless nights and the endless tears that you cry wishing you could take it all back. Making a mistake can take moments, but healing from that same mistake in your own heart feels like an eternity or even impossible.

As a leader we are well aware that our life and our choices don’t affect just us, but those who have been entrusted to us.  This fact may be easily forgotten as us leaders are doing something wrong, but you remember it a second after the choice is made. The truth that you made a mistake hits hard, and you recognize that you let yourself and those around you down. It hits the depths of your heart and soul like arrows of guilt, shame, and regret for our mistakes.

If you have ever had a hard time looking in the mirror, you just might know what I am talking about. Guilt and shame are grim, real, raw, and life changing feelings. I know they can be so hurtful and it can seem like they will never go away. Sometimes we get to the point of just thinking guilt and shame is what we deserve for what we have done in the past and present. We beat ourselves up and tear ourselves down. I know I have said this before and I will say it again:

The grace you have preached to others is the same grace that is offered to you!

Guilt and shame are real feelings, but that doesn’t mean you have to live in them and it doesn’t make them right. You and I are so much better than our worse mistake. You and I are worth so much more then we may have made ourselves worth. The God that I serve is not a God of guilt and shame, but instead a God of grace and second and hundredth chances! No we don’t ever want to take advantage of his grace, but we do want to use it as advances from our sinful mistake to our glorious come back! God is not done with you, he still wants to use you. Sometimes the biggest setbacks launch us into the biggest blessings. This is all because of the unfailing grace of God. I pray that you would lay guilt and shame at the feet of Jesus. I pray that you would begin to walk with your head held high again. Know that you are not damaged goods. You are a diamond that has been through the fire. You messed up but you won’t stay down because you know, Grace is greater than titles.

People don’t belong on pedestals


Let’s face it. We all have had people in our life that we look up to and admire. Whether it was that Disney princess you wanted to be as a child or that super cool cousin you wanted to be just like when you grow up; everyone has looked up to someone. Our early childhood selves were naïve and innocent when it came to our role models. We never thought about our role models hurting us, disappointing us, or showing us a side of them that we never thought we would see. When we think of someone who is worthy of looking up to, we view them as someone who can do no wrong. The only person who can do no wrong is Jesus, and Jesus was fully man and fully God. Jesus is the only one worthy of being on a pedestal. And even though Jesus was worthy of being on a pedestal, he still chose to be on a cross instead. And you know what? Despite the fact that Jesus himself chose the cross over the pedestal, we still try to put people on a pedestal that Jesus himself wouldn’t even stand on!


Over time when we experience hurt, disappointment, and the other negative sides of these role models, our childlike faith begins to fade. We start to see the fact that people do not belong on pedestals. Now, I am not saying you can’t look up to someone, but they should never take the place of Jesus in your life. You shouldn’t place all your faith in them but in Him. Jesus is the only one that will never hurt us, disappoint us, or turn on us. Jesus is faithful even when we are not faithful. He remains true even when we are living untrue lives.


I have been on both sides of what we will call the “pedestal mentality”. I have put people on pedestals and have been greatly disappointed. I also have been put on pedestals by people and have greatly disappointed them. Some people may not even know the full extent of why I don’t belong on a pedestal, but I will be the first one to say that I in no way belong on one. I learned at a young age what it felt like to admire and desire to be just like someone all to be completely let down by the same individual. One of these individuals I looked up to was a minster who had a thriving ministry. I was so captivated by his calling and talent. I remember as a teenager I wanted everyone I knew to meet him. Everyone who met this minister quickly understood my admiration towards him. All that, however, quickly dissipated when the news surfaced that this minister had committed sexual sin with some of the women in the church. When I first found out about this, my heart sunk to the pit of my stomach. I remember crying for long periods of times because I was so hurt, disappointed, and honestly angry. I looked up to him so much! I had him on a pedestal! The truth was, however, he never belonged on that pedestal to begin with. Aside from this situation, I remember other incidents where people “fell off” of the pedestals they were put on, for example:  underage, Christian, and unmarried individuals getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant. With different situations like this, I use to get so hurt. However, this was not because of the other people’s shortcomings; it was because I hadn’t gone through my own seasons of mistakes and temptations. As I always say, sometimes you never know the power of God’s grace until you need it desperately in your own life.


I remember having a conversation about mistakes and sin and thinking that we all sin differently. Some of us are just better at hiding sin than others. I once read that a little sin is like a pregnancy: it’s only a matter of time before everyone knows about it. If we all had all our sins exposed it would be extremely messy- no doubt about it! But I think it would also be very healing because as all our sins were exposed to one another, we would see that we are not the only ones who have messed up or done something we regret. We would see that no matter if you have a title or not, we have all made mistakes and been in need of grace greater than our titles. We would see that none of us belong on pedestals. This is not to say that we can’t strive to be the best versions of ourselves, but it is a reminder that no one is perfect, title or no title. When we become a follower of Christ we don’t become sinless but we should strive to sin less.


I never want to take advantage of God’s grace, but I also don’t want to forget that it exits in my life. I know as a pastor I am to live by higher standers and be above reproach, and that is my goal. In a way, messing up as a pastor has made me even more grateful for God’s grace and it has motivated me to do better, be better, and serve better. It has also helped me not look at the mistakes of others through eyes of judgment but through eyes of grace.


Artist Stacie Orrico sang a song when I was a teenager called “Don’t Look at Me.” I want to leave you with the lyrics of this song because it holds so much reality.


“Don’t look at me if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at me I will only let you down
I’ll do my best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at me
No, no, no
Don’t look at me, look at Him

Sometimes I have a fear
That you will see a mirror
And get the thought that it’s the main attraction
But all that you detect
Is just what I reflect
Of the object of my own affection

I’ll lead you to the One I found
He’ll give you everything you need

Don’t look at me if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at me I will only let you down
I’ll do my best to point you in the right direction
But don’t’ look at me
No, no, no
Don’t’ look at me, look at Him

It’s understandable to want a hero
But people can’t meet all your expectations
Still some can teach you things about the love He brings
Just know the source of life is in the Savior

I’ll lead you to the One I found
He’ll give you everything you need

Don’t look at me if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at me I will only let you down
I’ll do my best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at me
No, no, no
Don’t look at me, look at Him

He’s the One who lived a perfect life
He’s the One who always gets it right
He’s the One and only guiding light, Ohh, yeah
He is everything you want to be
He’s the answer to your every need
If you follow Him then you will see He’s like no other

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh yeah

I’ll do my best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at me
No, no, no
Don’t look at me
Oh, don’t look at me
I’ll only let you down
I’ll do my best to point you in the right direction
No no no no no oh oh look at Him
Yeah, yeah”


I remember Stacy getting a lot of judgment because she went into a little bit of a secular platform with her music, but she said it point blank: “don’t look at me look at him”. I am with Stacy. I will do my best to point you to Jesus but just remember to keep your eyes on Him and not me. I don’t belong on a pedestal because no matter how high the pedestal is, it could never compare to the height and the depth of the work on the Cross. Instead of standing on a pedestal, I want to kneel before Jesus, the one who choose the cross over the kingdom so that the kingdom could allow me and you within it.

Playing church is awful…..but it could be a lot worse


I know I can’t speak for everyone, but I think many of us have had times where we are just going through the motions of church. You know, when we shout “Amen”, or say “God bless you”, and all that basic Christianese simply because we know how and when to. We may even hit a point where we would not even dare to miss a Sunday or mid-week service because it’s so normal, but in reality, we are just showing up cause it’s part of our schedule. Sadly, sometimes a genuine relationship with God doesn’t exist during these motions. And during these times, maybe you go without praying for months unless you’re hanging out with someone and were forced to pray for your food, or maybe you can’t remember the last time you read your bible or spent any time with God. If you can relate to this, you may have had, or you may be in, a season of “playing church”. Now, “playing church” is in no way a good thing. We all hate the hypocrite until we become the hypocrite. “Playing church” feeds the exact stereotype that we should be trying to eliminate as believer: the stereotype that all Christians are hypocrites.


First off, to address the title of this blog, I am in no way saying “playing church” is an okay thing to do. What I am saying is “playing church” is bad, but it could be a lot worse. How can it be worse, you ask? It’s worse when you no longer see it as “playing church”, or when you no longer view it as something wrong. It’s worse when “playing church” has become the norm.


When we come to know Christ, we also come to know this friend-enemy known as conviction. Conviction is a friend-enemy because it keeps us in line but let’s face it, we don’t always want the accountability. Despite this unwelcoming feeling, we all need some conviction up in our lives. Conviction in my life, for example, has saved me from a lot of things in life and for that I am grateful. My biggest mistakes took place when I was no longer convicted, but instead made excuses to justify what I was doing. If you still have conviction, you are in a good place. If you no longer have conviction, that is when the real problems start! When something you once viewed as wrong starts to be okay with you, you need to re-evaluate some things.

Looking back on my life, I saw that I started losing conviction when I began basing my convictions on the world’s standards instead of God’s. Listen, what the world tells us is okay is very different from what God says is okay. I cannot blame my mistakes on anyone but myself, but I will say that I remember being in my early twenties and having strong convictions about certain things in my life. After some time, I started to see that some of my Christian friends had started diving into certain things, and I took it as a sign that said “if they can do it so can I”. I was putting truth to their actions instead of finding truth in what God said. It was only a matter of time before I made the mistakes they made, and made some that were a lot worse. I used my friends as an excuse for my actions and my choices when in reality, they were not the ones who made those choices for me. I let my conviction slip because I cared about doing things my way and not God’s way.

I once heard someone say that we as people often think of God as this restrictive God, and that as Christians we have so many restrictions. In reality, however, God is not being restrictive, he is being protective! God knows what is good for us and what is bad, what will grow us and what will harm us, and what will bless us and what will burden us. He is not restricting us from the sins of the world, he is protecting us from the things of the world! Sometimes it’s not until after we mess up and get into a mess that we see what God, or Godly people, were trying to protect us from. They were trying to spare us the heartache, pain, and the aftermath. Now, we can all get up from our heartache, pain, and the aftermath, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be hard to get up. In these moments, conviction comes in and should not be viewed as a friend-enemy, but just as a friend. Conviction is the friend that wants the best for you because it knows what the best life for you is.

We often like to try and silence conviction. However, if you continue to silence conviction over and over again, it will lead you to a point where you might not even feel it anymore. If you are there I urge you to pray for conviction. Begin looking to God’s word again as your standard and forget the standards of the world. I fear to ever be in a place in my life again where I feel no conviction for the things I am doing wrong. Not having conviction is a scary place and I don’t want to go back there. I want to live worthy of the calling I have received. I want to rest in God’s protective love! If you feel like you are making excuses, please stop making them and surrender those excuses to God! Deep down you still know what you are doing is not right. Please choose God’s way. Please ask for conviction. Grace is a beautiful thing that can restore us and renew our conviction. If you have let go of conviction, pursue Christ and I know it will be restored. For me it took going back to the basics: reading my bible and spending time in prayer. When we do these things, we will be reminded that our identity is found in Christ and we will start to realign our desires with God’s desires. “Playing church” is terrible, but when you start to believe that’s how it is for everyone, you need to run to God’s word, run to your prayer closet, and return to your first love! I have been falling in LOVE with God all over again and it is the greatest love I have ever felt! I am eternally grateful that his love and grace are greater than my title!


And trust me, his love and grace are greater than your title too!