There have been so many times in my life where it feels like I am the only one who can just never seem to be enough.
The only one who never played sports because I wasn’t good enough.
The only one who never got asked out on dates.
The only one who laid low in my job and position because I didn’t have a voice.
I’ve always felt like I am always 20 steps behind everybody else and it feels hopeless to try and catch up.
My weight goes up and down.
I can’t seem to find the right “home” church.
And I still haven’t found my mate at 30 years old with few experiences to back me up.
And here I am again. The only one. Still not enough.
At the core of my insecurities, fears and doubts about myself- are the very real and painful experiences of rejection. I still carry shame over my weight and the insults of my youth still ring in my head. Every single crush I have had over the years even into adulthood – not only didn’t like me, but some humiliated me.
Rejection faithfully reminds me there is always someone in better shape and better looking than me, smarter and with more degrees than me; funnier and wittier, more adventurous with more stories to tell than me; always something more.
Rejection has acted as an anchor for my life always deceptively letting me go just a little further, but never letting me get to where I really want to be.
Even in the midst of these perpetual struggles, God has been so gracious, so kind, so good. He has this way to bring clarity and show me what is of him and what is not. I am so grateful for his truth that speaks louder than any other voice. Thank you Jesus.
“The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, for, “Who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 2:15 – 16
I am not subject to human judgements. And I have the mind of Christ. This speaks truth over all the other things that have been spoken to us and taken root – and even – things we think about ourselves.
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5
This is where God trains us to know His voice and that of self and enemy. Meaning, when something destructive enters your mind don’t let it linger. Call it out and send it to the pit of hell!
All ways of thinking about self and others not rooted in the love of Christ cannot be from God. Think about how many times a day we judge our brothers and sisters – especially ourselves?! This is me every day! But there is hope!
If you are one that struggles with fear of rejection and those thoughts rear their ugly head – take hold of them and cast them down!
Take upon yourself what God has to say about you and others. You are loved. You are accepted. You belong with him. He is your community and your fellowship. He is your strong tower and fortress, your shield. Nothing can separate you from his love.
Remember those that have gone before us who were rejected and ridiculed, who felt ashamed and unworthy.
(Sarah) “So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?” Genesis 18:12
(Moses) “Moses answered God, “But why me? What makes you think that I could ever go to Pharaoh and lead the children of Israel out of Egypt?” Exodus 3:11
(David) “Saul replied, “You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a young man, and he has been a warrior from his youth.” 1 Samuel 17:33
(Jesus) “The chief priests and the teachers of the law were standing there, vehemently accusing him. Then Herod and his soldiers ridiculed and mocked him.” Luke 23:10-11
(Paul) “When he came to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples, but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple.” Acts 9:26
You are not your story of rejection, you are a child of God made in his image, prepared for all good works and given authority over all principalities and powers. You have the mind of Christ.
Even as I write this, there are places of the heart that are still so tender, even fresh wounds. But, I carry on writing because in these 30 years of my life – I am not my story of rejection.
I have had heart ache yes, and set-backs yes, and such unrelenting pain it feels I cannot carry on – and yet – there is one who will carry on for me. He will take the insults and shame and leave me with belonging and acceptance.
When I reach for the scraps, he pulls out the chair for my place at the table.
There is one who says I am enough.